Speech

I never took a speech class in my life.  One isn't required now, although it would have been had I taken the traditional four year course of study.  Then I spent years on a job where I had to be on the phone all the time.  I hate crowds.  I hate speaking in front of crowds.  I hate talking to strangers on the phone.

Yet here I am ready to talk in front of a strange crowd of, well, strangers.  My heart is beating so fast I think I'm going to have a heart attack and I've gone pee about 16 times.

I'm at the university about to give a ten minute talk on my experiences in the fast track program to a group of potential students.  I hadn't attended one of these before I signed up but it was available.

Dr. Clark chose me to speak.  I'm honored, I guess, but this is tough.  Oh, no, it's almost my turn and I have to go to the bathroom again.

* * *

Oh, wow, the speech is over.  Am I ever relieved.  And even better, I nailed it.  The crowd seemed interested while I was talking.  They applauded me when I was done.  Dr. Clark even told me I did a good job and he's tough to please.

I am so relieved.  But I don't want to have to do it again.

PowerPoint

Dr. Clark had assigned us a PowerPoint presentation.  PowerPoint is actually a pretty easy program to use and it's not technically graphic design, but he really had other motives in mind. 

We were assigned one of six words or phrases and then had to design a five minute presentation about it.  I got "set goals".

So I gave it some thought and came up with a list of reasons to set goals.  I did this by compiling stuff I read online.  I showed Bill and he said it was very boring.  I was disappointed but decided to try a different direction.  Bill suggested I use my own reasons not the ones of so-called experts.

So today was the presentation.  I started with a slide about school and how we must set goals early to make it through school with good grades then I talked about professional goals and personal goals that come up in adult life.  I talked about how goal setting never ends or else you get stuck in a rut.

When I finished, Clark didn't say anything.  He was writing on my presentation notes.  Finally, he looked up and started applauding. 

"See, students, this is what I was looking for.  I was looking for you to use your creativity, not for you to give me a list of items you found on the Internet.  I was looking to test you and your creative skills not your PowerPoint skills."

He excused me to go sit down and I went back to my seat, smiling, content that I just earned myself a good score.

The Grade

Remember my horrible, career killing test?

Well, today we got results back. Dr. Clark called us one and a time to give us our tests back so we could go over it in class before moving on to the next part of the course.

"Fran Fletcher."

I took my test when he handed it to me but didn't look at it until I got back to my seat.  I had seen so many of my classmates look upset when they received theirs.

I took a deep breath and turned it over.  There on the page was a mark made by the computer that had graded the test.  It said --  98% A?  How was that possible?  Maybe Dr. Clark had made a mistake and given me someone else's test, but, no, my name was on it in my hand writing.

I couldn't believe it.  How did I score so highly when I thought I had so completely failed?

When Dr. Clark had finished handing out the tests, he said, "Normally, I don't need to do this.  Normally, I just post test results and that's it, but it's clear to me that many of you need a review before we continue.  I really don't think some of you even cracked open a book for this test.  The highest grade we had in this class was a 98 percent but the vast majority of you scored in the 70s."

He went on talking but I had stopped listening.  A 98 percent was the highest in the class?  Did I have the highest test score of everyone?

Test Taker

A, B, C, D or F.  Those are the only choices.  Which one will it be?

I took my first test today since high school.  It covered a lot of material, I repeat, a lot of material, a mind-blowing amount of material.  Once we finish this part of the course it's on to the next part, but this part of the course is important.  Fail it and it's an uphill battle.

Something tells me I failed it.  I can't explain it.  It's a sickness in the pit of my stomach. 

During the entire test my heart was beating so fast I thought I was going to have a heart attack.  I chewed my nails down to nubs and broke three pencils.  I finished a lot sooner than everyone else, too, which tells me I just guessed on a lot of material to get finished.  It was multiple choice so I just picked whatever sounded right.

What do I know about graphic design?

Fast Track

So I'm officially a student.  Well, I suppose it was official when I signed up for classes, but now it's official, official.  I went to my first day of class.

When I went this morning, I stared for the longest time at the university from across the street.  I couldn't believe I was going there.  But I suppose it'll be worth it in the end.  I can get out of SAT TV and I can do something more enjoyable for more pay and less stress. 

Finally, I got up the courage to go to my class.  I got lost on the way there and had to ask some teenager for help.  Eventually, I found my way to the lecture hall.  There were more people there than I expected.

The professor stood at the front of the class.  "My name is Dr. Clark.  I want to personally welcome you all here.  I know for many of you this is huge step in your life.  You're making changes.  Changes to your career.  Changes to your future.  It won't be easy.  It will a difficult 18 months  --  you will work hard, study hard and many times you'll feel like quitting -- but at the end you'll have your bachelors and a degree you can be proud of."

I'm not sure what to make of Dr. Clark but, like it or not, I'm stuck with him.  I wonder if I'll pass this course.

The Straw

The talk with Dorothy was the straw that broke the camel's back, so I finally did it.  Yes, the thing I've been talking about for a while now.  I finally went and signed up for college classes.

I told the admissions person that I was super nervous about being a student again and that I was ultra super nervous about being the oldest student there.  She told me there is a fast track program available for working professionals.  I can get my degree in 18 months taking a combo of classroom and online courses.  The only catch is there is no summer semester off and the classroom stuff is for several hours on a Saturday morning.  Financial aid is available, too.

I'm okay with that.  At least the other students will be older, too.  I would die if I were stuck in a roomful of 18 year olds.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, I did finally decide on graphic design.  I just hope I actually have design skills.  Hum, this could be disastrous.

I Need a Change

I've thought really long and hard since my birthday and the laundry list of apologies I was forced to make as a consequence of it.  I've come to the conclusion that I need a change, a major change not just a new nail polish color.

And I need a change in numerous aspects of my life.  So I've decided to do something about it.  I just don't know what yet.

Here is my list:

• I need a new job.  Hate the current one.
• I'd love to be a graphic designer.  Need to go back to school.
• This town is too damn small.
• I date losers and I what that says about me.  I so want to date someone who isn't a loser but has goals, dreams and ambitions.

When I Grow Up

Since Working Women Wednesday a few a weeks ago I have been thinking about my future.  I mean what future do I currently have?  My job with SAT TV is unbearable.  It's getting to the point where I don't want to go in anymore.  This is affecting my work performance.

So once again I am back to the idea of going back to school, but who wants to be the oldest student there?  It's embaressing. 

But really I have no idea what I want to do with my life and I should by now.  I should know.

I found myself again looking over the college website and dreaming.  Dreaming of what, I'm not sure.  Everything seems like it would take too long or cost too much or not be the perfect fit for me.  But what would be the perfect fit for me?

At one point I found myself looking at the graphic design page and daydreaming of Bill who works in the office building.  If I learned graphic design, in theory, I would be qualified to work for the same company he does.  It was a wonderful fantasy that I almost -- almost -- clicked on the "get more information" link.  I'm just not there yet.

Dream a Little Dream

I hate my job.  Have I ever told you?  Sometimes I think that I'd like to go back to school and become something else.  But if I do, I'd be, like, the oldest student there.  I don't know that I could stand that embarrassment for four years.

I decided today to take a look at some college websites just to see what there is out there for me.  I mean what could I do with what I already have a high school diploma, some minimum wage jobs while I was in school and customer service?  Um, nothing.

What am I good at?  Um, nothing.  So I just took a look around.

I could be a teacher.  I'd have summers off, but I'd have to talk in front of students, so that's out.

I could be an accountant.  Some of them work from home.  But, no, I'd risk running into Jack.

I could go into office administration, but I'd risk running into Elliot.

I'm bad with computers, so IT is out.  I don't think I can string a coherent sentence together to save my life so journalism is out.

What can be done without any brains or embarrassment.  Um, nothing.

OK, I'm done looking around.