I Need a Change

I've thought really long and hard since my birthday and the laundry list of apologies I was forced to make as a consequence of it.  I've come to the conclusion that I need a change, a major change not just a new nail polish color.

And I need a change in numerous aspects of my life.  So I've decided to do something about it.  I just don't know what yet.

Here is my list:

• I need a new job.  Hate the current one.
• I'd love to be a graphic designer.  Need to go back to school.
• This town is too damn small.
• I date losers and I what that says about me.  I so want to date someone who isn't a loser but has goals, dreams and ambitions.

I'm Sorry, I Guess

I've been looking back over the past few days, specifically my birthday party.  I suppose I owe a number of people an apology.  Mama, especially, I'll need to do something nice for but I have plenty of other apologies to make.

I also suppose I really did overreact at the party just like Mama was trying to tell me.  I just didn't want to listen.  I felt hurt she had gone behind my back and planned something even though she knew I was dreading, fearing, this birthday.  I never even saw Dad.  He's probably embarrassed by me.

But Granny's comment really did hurt and it hurt in a much different way than the planning of the party.  Does she really think I need to see a shrink?  Honestly?  Am I that mess up that I need professional help?

So, anyway, I have all these apologies I have to make and no idea where to start.  I guess I'll call Mama and ask to see her.

It's a Party -- Part 2

When I awoke I was laying on the couch with a wet washcloth on my forehead.  Everyone was standing around staring at me.  At first, I thought I was dreaming but then I remembered where I was.  It was my 30th birthday party.

Almost immediately, I sat bolt upright and screamed at the top of my lungs.

Mama tried to calm me down, but I had to let my frustration out and nothing anyone did was going to stop it.  When I could finally breath, I looked around the room.  I was so livid, I couldn't even remember who some of the people were.

"Why did you do this to me?  You knew I didn't want a party.  You knew I didn't want to be reminded of my birthday."

Mama said, "Why would I want to forget my youngest child's birthday?"

I climbed up on the back of the couch.  "You've ruined my life.  I'll never be able to show my face around this town again."

"I think you're overreacting."

"Overreacting?  How am I suppose to react when my own mother makes a fool of me?"

"Fran, it took a lot of hard work planning this party."

Granny took Mama's arm and said, "Susanne, leave her alone.  Some people can't be helped."

To me, she said, "You need a shrink."

That was it.  I couldn't take it anymore.  I took my things and I left.  So much for the people who love me.

It's a Party

It finally happened.  I turned 30.  Luckily for me, mom said she wouldn't make a big deal about it because in her mind it's not a big deal, just another birthday, so we would have a small family dinner together the same way we also do.

Mama said to come over to dinner after I got home from work and had changed my clothes.  She told me to wear something nice because she would be taking my picture next to my birthday cake.  It's the same routine she's done for the past 29 years.

So I changed and went over to my parents' house.  Mama was there to greet me on the porch which I thought was a little odd.

"Why are you out here?  Where's Dad?"

"Oh, he's inside taking a nap."

"A nap?  I didn't think Dad took naps."

"Oh, he doesn't usually.  He just had a stressful week.  He'll tell you all about it.  You can go put your purse inside if you want.  Just be quiet."

I nodded and opened the door to the living room.  Mama followed closely behind me.  The room was dark.  I didn't hear any snoring.  The light switched on and the room was full of people.  It was a party.  I saw Dad, Brandon, Polly, Granny, Jessica, Lilly and a number of other people I recognized.

Suddenly, I felt very hot.  The room started to spin.  Everything went black.  I was falling.

 

To be continued .....

Thirty

Today is my 30th birthday.  Today!  The end is near.  I can feel it. 

I'll get a bunch of gag gifts that say 30 on them.  They'll be black.  Next will come the "you're not getting any younger" comments.  Granny will lecture me on becoming an old maid. 

I'm not married, I have a dead end job, I live in this boring small town.  I'm going back to bed.

No Raise, Cut

A while ago, when I was given more work at work, I decided to ask for a raise.  I waited until I had been doing the extra account for two weeks.  I had written every reason why I deserved the new raise then I made an appointment with HR and presented it to them.  They said they would review it and get back to me through my supervisor.

About mid-morning, I heard Dorothy call my name, like a mother calling a child, from her office.  I went into her office where she instructed me to sit.

"Fran, you went to human resources to ask for a raise?"

"Yes."

"Well," she started to smile, "they have declined your request."

I felt disappointment rush over me.  Why had they denied me?  What I had done wrong?

Still smiling Dorothy went on, "They feel you're actually not doing enough work around here and should have your pay cut, starting next pay period."

"What?"  I stood.  "How much of a pay cut?"

"Two dollars an hour."

"That's crazy.  How am I supposed to pay my bills?"

"SAT TV doesn't care about you and your bills, Fran.  It cares about productivity.  You need to be more productive, at lot more productive.  If you're not going to be more productive then you need to find another job where your work ethic is appreciated."

I squinted my eyes.  Suddenly, I knew what had happened.  I didn't blow it at all with HR.  They had consulted Dorothy and she told them lies, lies that could get me fired.  I felt sick but knew what I had to do.  I have to escape Dorothy.

Won't You Be My Neighbor?

The house next to me has been vacant forever.  It was vacant when I moved in to my house and since that time it has fallen into disrepair. 

It was really starting to look shabby.  Gutters were falling down; parts of the siding had been stolen.  There were even rumors the copper pipes in the basement had been stolen, too, but I never heard any police reports to that effect.  The house just plain looks like crap.  I had been hoping the village would tear it down.  That way there would be less neighbors to contend with.

Not long ago I started to see people going over to the house.  I had no idea why they were there but they made me nervous.

Today I found out.  I have a new neighbor.  The house sold.  I saw him tinkering outside so after work I went over there to introduce myself.  He said his name was Hoss.

I tried to make idol conversation but Hoss just seemed weird to me.  He explained how he loved the rundown appearance of the house. 

"It just fits me.  I couldn't live in a house that's manicured and nice."

"Oh, really?  Why is that?"

I started to take a step forward.  Hoss held up his hand and said, "Watch your step there.  I just might bite."

I thought he was kidding and started to move closer to him.  He snapped his jaws at me then started to laugh.

"My aren't you pretty.  Looks like you spend too much time in the shower, though, for my liking?"

I spend too much time in the shower?  That's the first time I've heard that one.  I could see into his garage and he had, well, a lot of axes and sharp things.  And there was a lot of rope and trashbags.

"Well, Hoss," I said backing up slowly, "I need to get going.  I'll see you again sometime."

"It was sure nice meeting you."

"Sure, anytime," I said through a forced smile.

For whatever reason I continued to walk backward.  I couldn't stop thinking about what I had seen in his garage.  My new neighbor is a serial killer!

I tripped and fell to my back, my skirt flying up in the air.  Oh, no, I had just let the serial killer see my underpants.  What if he wanted to bite that, too?  I picked myself up as fast as I could and ran.