Nip Slip

The corporate singles mixer was this evening.  All day at work I had been nervous but excited.  I didn't know what to think.  I guessed there would be a bunch of businessmen and attorneys and accountants.  There would be successful men who weren't cheap and who were full of motivation.

I picked out a nice cocktail dress to wear, a purple dress with spaghetti straps.  It has a bit of a low back so I wasn't able to wear a bra with it but I was able to use those paste on support things they sell in the lingerie departments.  I had my nicest jewelry on and a stylish purse.  The only thing that made me look poor is my car but none of the singles would see that so I was all set.

After work I changed in the bathroom and redid my makeup. 

Off I went.  I was one of the first people there but after a while more and more people streamed in.  They served alcohol and hors d'oeuvres.  I watched what I ate and what I drank because I wanted to make a good impression.  I mingled.  I felt confident.  After a while music started.

I was talking to a guy named Jack who suggested we dance.  He seemed very nice.  He was accountant  --  see, I knew I could meet some accountants -- who has trouble getting out and meeting women.  Perfect.  He was desperate.

After some slow classy songs the music got faster.  I threw my arms up in the arm and got into the music.  I started to notice people were staring at me.  At first I thought it was my imagination but, no, they were staring at me.

Okay, an audience.  I continued to dance.  Finally, I saw Jack waving his hand in front of his chest.  I didn't understand.

"Fran, your dress."

My dress?  What was wrong with my dress?  I glanced down and saw it.  Oh, my God, my nipple had slipped out my dress and everyone saw it.  Everyone!

I pushed my way past Jack and everyone else, grabbed my purse and left as quickly as I could.  I'll never go back there again.  They'd never look me in the eye.

There's A Spud Born Every Minute -- Part 2

I made it Jessica's room.  Her room was full of flowers.  I guess I picked out the wrong gift after all.  I can't win.  I set the flowers down and walked over to the bed.

"You look like hell, Fran.  What happened?"

"It was nothing really.  Remember Elliot?"

"I don't know, Fran.  You've had so many boyfriends.  Is he the one who likes to sit around all day drinking beer and watching Sport Network?"

"Liked.  He's very successful now.  Probably owns a Mercedes."

"Really?"  Jessica sat up, clearly interested.

I had to change the subject.  "Where is Spuds Mackenzie?'

Jessica pointed to the little hospital crib thingy next to her bed.  "Right there.  Why would you call her that?"

"No reason.  Seeing Elliot was a big surprise."

"What you need, Fran, is a successful man who wants to settle down, not a string of losers.  You need to go to where the successful people are."

I walked over to Mackenzie and feigned interest.  I couldn't think of anything other than Elliot and the "wonderful girl" he had met after me.  I can be wonderful and inspiring, too. 

"Well, there is a corporate singles mixer in the city this Friday.  I was thinking of going."

"You definitely need to, Fran.  It will do you some good."

There's A Spud Born Every Minute -- Part 1

Jessica had her baby, in the wee hours of the night, so after work I decided to go visit her.  I stopped first in the gift shop to buy her something.  I didn't know what to get.

Do I buy something for Jessica or something for the baby?  I had no idea what the protocol is for this sort of thing.  I asked the cashier and between cracks of gum I swear she rolled her eyes at me.  Finally I settled on some overpriced flowers for Jessica.  The baby got enough gifts at the baby shower anyway, I figured.

I asked the women at the front desk how to get to the maternity ward and promptly got lost.  Somehow I got off on the wrong floor or took a wrong turn or something.  All those corridors look alike.

At one point I heard a familiar voice calling my name.  I turned and there was one of my old boyfriends, Elliot, walking up to me.

We exchanged pleasantries.  I told him I was here visiting Jessica.  He made fun of me for being very far from the maternity ward.

"What are you doing here?"

"I work for the hospital now.  Yeah, I went into hospital management."

Hum, that was very interesting.  I rubbed the back of my neck and as I did so noticed a ring on his finger.

"You're married."

"Funny thing," he laughed, "I meet a wonderful girl after we broke up.  She urged me to go to school then we got married.  We have two kids now and one on the way."

"Yes, very funny."

I excused myself and sprinted back to the elevators.  Elliot's a career man now, a father married to a "wonderful girl"?  When I knew him, he had no motivation, no wish for a family and thought school was for snobs.  I guess that proves I'm not so wonderful.

Dippy Dorothy

I wish I had Dorothy's job.  Well, not her actual job, the ease of her job.

She comes in every morning and, after logging into her computer, disappears.  She'll return a while later carrying her coffee and laughing with the people she hangs out with out of the office.

When she finally sits down at her desk, I'm the most nervous.  From her office she can stare directly at the back of my neck.  My pretty sure she's sending me subliminal messages to quit.  We don't get along all that well.  I can tell by how she speaks to me.

Not only do I get crapped on at every opportunity but Dorothy doesn't even do her job.  Whenever callers ask to speak to a supervisors, which is often, we can't just forward her the calls.  Oh, no, we have to check first and see if she is free.  Most times we can't find her because she isn't at her desk.  And then even if she is at her desk, she'll say to tell the caller she is unavailable and that we should handle it ourselves.

One day, not long ago, I found out how much supervisor positions make at SAT TV.  It was sickening.  I get paid next to nothing, am highly in debt and am stressed out the wazoo.  But Dorothy, uggg, must be nice.

Hurts Rent-A Vehicle

Finally, I'm getting my car back.  I don't know what was wrong with it.   I think it was the ignition or the engine or something.  Brandon took care of everything.

It's all been arranged that I can pick my car up at Frank's Garage after work.  The customer service rep at Hurts Rent-A Vehicle said I can leave my rental at the garage they will take care of everything.  I'm so excited.  I'll write more when I'm home.

Later ....

I arrived to pick up my car.  Frank was very nice, although a bit greasy.  He's letting me pay my bill a little bit at a time.

The Hurts Rent-A-Vehicle person was there, too, with his bill.  He handed it to me with a smile and asked what form of payment I wanted to use.

I glanced over the bill and it was enormous, much more than we discussed.

"When I called you Monday morning, you said it would be $10 a day.  This is three times that."

"It was $10 a day, but only if you rented your vehicle before 5 p.m. when the sale price ended and we reverted back to the regular price.  You rented your car at 5:15."

What?  I stared at him and he must have thought I was an idiot.  Was this a bait and switch?  I wanted to report him to the Better Business Bureau.

"I can't afford that.  I have a repair bill to pay plus I had to put gas in your horribly ugly car."

"If you don't pay, I'll report you to the police."

From behind the register, Frank cleared his throat and began walking away.  He probably thought I was about to cause trouble in his store.

The Hurts Rent-A Vehicle guy and I stared each other down.  But finally he won and I pulled out credit card, which was declined.  So were three other cards.

"See, I told you I couldn't afford it.  My cards are all maxed.  It's the price I pay for having a job that pays next to nothing."

Just as I could envision the cops pulling up to take me away, Frank offered to pay what I could not and I could pay him back.  I am very grateful and very broke.

Saturday

Normally I love Saturdays.  I get to sleep in and have a leisurely day.  No work, no thoughts of work or how I'm a failure.

Today I was reminded of how I am a failure.  Remember how I said all my friends are married?  Well, some have children.  My friend Jessica is about to have her first.  Saturday was the baby shower.

The baby is going to be named Mackenzie.  Apparently I'm the only one who remembers those Spuds Mackenzie commercials because the name reminds of a dog every time I hear it.  Truly awful.  But Jessica and so many others seem to love it.

The baby shower was excruciating.  I saw all my friends -- all the ones who are happy and satisfied with their lives.  There were so many gifts, so, so many gifts.  And then there was Jessica.  She looked pregnant and fantastic at the same time.  How is that possible?

I looked around at all my friends.  Why do they have all the things they want and I have nothing?  They have good jobs, nice houses, husbands and children.  I want that, yet life has seen fit to not give it to me.  What am I doing wrong?  Why is karma out to get me?  Why, why, why?

Friday

Friday morning.  Last day of work.  I get out of bed, begrudgingly, and my light doesn't come on. 

I squinted in the dark.  I figured my light bulb had just burned out.  I made my way to the bathroom and somehow managed to stub both big toes.  When I made it there, I discovered it wasn't my light bulb.  I had no electricity.  I couldn't believe it.  Two mornings in a row this week something has happened.  What next?  Was a meteor going to fall from the sky and squash me flat?

I turned on the sink and discovered to my horror that I had absolutely no hot water.  None.  How was I going to shower?  It's too cold outside to shower in cold water.  Even in the middle of summer I wouldn't shower in cold water.  It's insane.  I didn't know what to do.

I panicked as I made my way through the house.  I went rummaging through my kitchen drawers.  I needed candles and matches, a flashlight and batteries.  Why am I so disorganized?

Finally, I found what I needed and my bathroom became a small disaster area.  I had to take a sponge bath in freezing cold water.  I put on a ton of deodorant and perfume then tried doing my makeup.  I did the best I could.

When I was in the car, I looked at myself.  I was a clown.  My lipstick was too thick.  My eyeshadow too wide and dark.  I put my head down on the steering wheel and cried.  Then I called off sick.